This is me, the Ja'can Dawta - a little about myself - Black, 40ish, single, and OPINIONATED!! (Oh God, didn't that sound like a personal ad)? anyway, I'm ready to talk about everything under the sun, no subject is taboo for me....lemme hear from you!
You notice how after some of us turn 40 we can't stay out late anymore? I came home at 4:00am the other day, after not doing that for about 3 years, and it took me two days to catch up on my sleep!! Please don't tell me about exercising more, the exercise that I get from walking to the train is QUITE enough thank you very much; plus, I think sweat only goes with strenuous sex so save your damn breath!
If anybody can feel me pain, let's talk, dammit!!
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You are too funny but so right especially about doing your investigation. I strongly believe that men are "Stupid" and I am actively trying to prove myself wrong, battling with my analytical brain that in every thing there is balance. No one group of people is the same, I should not stereotype but the more I try to be open and try to give men the benefit the more I am convinced that there is something wrong with their being.
I went the extra mile and over analyzed myself, I spoke with three prominent therapist, friends, family and strangers having open honest conversations – for in doing my research if I am not honest with myself and my actions then my quest would have been in vain and the purpose defeated.
My synopsis is that I was raised to be confident, independent, educated and strong and have lived my life in such manner until my last relationship. I am a woman who is very in tuned with herself and surroundings so I am very aware of clues, never lived in hindsight. When in a relationship and I saw that we are leading down the path to me being unhappy and after discussions and agreements do not bring resolution I LEFT. I was told by so many people that I run from relationships, that “you” have to compromise, every relationship have hurdles ……..
I being my biggest critic and analyze myself constantly decide that in this relationship I am going to give it my all and my ALL I did. Before we got together we talked and for eight months dated before we got intimate because we had been friends for many years and I wanted to be sure it was not a situation where the guys are talking so he wanted to be the first to be with me.
We had a lot in common or so I thought family (which is most important to me), music, aspirations …….
After six months of us living together I began to observe the clues, my first instinct was to leave but decided to have a conversation instead which resulted in him admitting that the things that I thought should come natural to a thirty something year old man, he did not know, that he was not raised with a mother who did not encourage committed relationships or healthy relationships with the opposite sex (she was a victim of a bad relationship – a scorned woman and carry that into raising her boys). He wanted our relationship to work; he wanted me to be with him and everything he does. Whenever I observed him struggling with our relationship we discuss the issue and came up with a solution – No that’s not true. I talk, he agreed, I suggested he acknowledged. When I pointed out that he always seem to agree with me but does something else he then announced that he is horrible at communication I then proceeded to “Help him”, I broke everything down as if he was a two year old when communicating with him and then ask him to explain to me what is his understanding of what I said. force It was as if his life stopped at adolescence as if something devastating happen then and he did not want to move forward, to grow and of course I investigated and found many excuses for his behavior and tried to be his therapist.
He did not have strong family ties so I ensure that on holidays his family was involved with what my family were doing, all the gifts for birthdays and holidays were bought and wrapped in advance, he was reminded to call his relative on their birthdays, to call his son (from a previous relationship), to spend time with his son, to plan activities. He relied on me to plan and take care of every decision he often says “you make better decisions” on dates where we would go, what we should eat, what should he wear and what should be did after were all my responsibility . His business, home and family life all revolved around me making decisions and some where in all this madness I FORGOT that I existed, my dreams, goals and life as I knew it was put on hold because this person, my “Friend” whom I love was broken, lost and was reaching out to me for help. Should I have left knowing this was not my responsibility, maybe but then do I leave a friend when he is down or lost? I stayed for I thought that as soon as he can handle his situation I will continue with mine and since it was determined that I was the “stronger” and knows how to make things happen that I would do so as soon as he was OK. He never was ok, every time one thing was resolved something else popped up and me I was becoming as broken as he was, I was lost, forgot who I was, who I wanted to be, settled for less to accommodate him to give him confidence. I wanted him to experience a life that is full, the life that I had before I met him, where there is inner peace, where there is always a silver lining but his unhappiness and self destruction was easier for him to live and me constantly searching for answers breaking my life down to build his.
I left him and have been alone for the past three years, NOT LONELY, but finding my self , loving myself and enjoying the inner peace and happiness I once knew.
Today, although I gave so much and got nothing in return not even thank you or the joy of knowing that he has grown as a person for I do wish him well.
I analyze myself and realize that I thought him not to love me by not loving myself, I though him to put me last by putting him first but today my spirit is free. Look out for my book coming soon!
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